George Saunders What I regret most ... are failures of kindness

George Saunders What I regret most ... are failures of kindnessGeorge Saunders What I regret most ... are failures of kindnessIts graduation season, and we here at Ladders have decided to take a look back and showcase some past commencement addresses that stand the test of time. Below is the full transcript of George Saunderscommencement address to Syracuses Class of 2013 Down through the ages, a traditional form has evolved for this type of speech, which is Some old fart, his best years behind him, who, over the curse of his life, has made a series of dreadful mistakes (that would be me), gives heartfelt advice to a group of shining, energetic young people, with all of their best years ahead of them (that would be you).And I intend to respect that tradition.Now, one useful thing you can do with an old person, in addition to borrowing money from them, or asking them to do one of their old-time dances, so you can watch, while laughing, is ask Looking back, what do you regret? And the yll tell you. Sometimes, as you know, theyll tell you even if you havent asked. Sometimes, even when youve specifically requested they not tell you, theyll tell you.So What do I regret? Being poor from time to time? Not really. Working terrible jobs, like knuckle-puller in a slaughterhouse? (And dont even ASK what that entails.) No. I dont regret that. Skinny-dipping in a river in Sumatra, a little buzzed, and looking up and seeing like 300 monkeys sitting on a pipeline, pooping down into the river, the river in which I was swimming, with my mouth open, naked? And getting deathly ill afterwards, and staying sick for the next seven months? Not so much. Do I regret the occasional humiliation? Like once, playing hockey in front of a big crowd, including this girl I really liked, I somehow managed, while falling and emitting this weird whooping noise, to score on my own goalie, while also sending my stick flying into the crowd, nearly hitting that girl? No. I dont even regret that.But h eres something I do regretItscommencement seasonFollow Ladders Commencement Addresses magazine on Flipboard to watch and read all of the most inspiring speeches from this year and years past.In seventh grade, this new kid joined our class. In the interest of confidentiality, her Convocation Speech name will be ELLEN. ELLEN was small, shy. She wore these blue cats-eye glasses that, at the time, only old ladies wore. When nervous, which was pretty much always, she had a habit of taking a strand of hair into her mouth and chewing on it.So she came to our school and our neighborhood, and was mostly ignored, occasionally teased (Your hair taste good? - that sort of thing). I could see this hurt her. I still remember the way shed look after such an insult eyes cast down, a little gut-kicked, as if, having just been reminded of her place in things, she was trying, as much as possible, to disappear. After awhile shed drift away, hair-strand still in her mouth. At home, I imagined, after sc hool, her mother would say, you know How was your day, sweetie? and shed say, Oh, fine. And her mother would say, Making any friends? and shed go, Sure, lots.Sometimes Id see her hanging around alone in her front yard, as if afraid to leave it.And then - they moved. That was it. No tragedy, no big final hazing.One day she was there, next day she wasnt.End of story.Now, why do I regret that? Why, forty-two years later, am I still thinking about it? Relative to most of the other kids, I was actually pretty nice to her. I never said an unkind ja genau to her. In fact, I sometimes even (mildly) defended her.But still. It bothers me.So heres something I know to be true, although its a little corny, and I dont quite know what to do with itWhat I regret most in my life are failures of kindness. Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded . . . sensibly. Reservedly. Mildly.Or, to look at it from the other end of the telescope Who, in your li fe, do you remember most fondly, with the most undeniable feelings of warmth?Those who were kindest to you, I bet.Its a little facile, maybe, and certainly hard to implement, but Id say, as a goal in life, you could do worse than Try to be kinder.Now, the million-dollar question Whats our problem? Why arent we kinder?Heres what I thinkEach of us is born with a series of built-in confusions that are probably somehow Darwinian. These are (1) were central to the universe (that is, our personal story is the main and most interesting story, the only story, really) (2) were separate from the universe (theres US and then, out there, all that other junk dogs and swing-sets, and the State of Nebraska and low-hanging clouds and, you know, other people), and (3) were permanent (death is real, o.k., sure for you, but not for me).Now, we dont really believe these things intellectually we know better but we believe them viscerally, and live by them, and they cause us to prioritize our own nee ds over the needs of others, even though what we really want, in our hearts, is to be less selfish, more aware of whats actually happening in the present moment, more open, and more loving.So, the second million-dollar question How might we DO this? How might we become more loving, more open, less selfish, more present, less delusional, etc., etc?Well, yes, good question.Unfortunately, I only have three minutes left.So let me just say this. There are ways. You already know that because, in your life, there have been High Kindness periods and Low Kindness periods, and you know what inclined you toward the former and away from the latter. Education is good immersing ourselves in a work of art good prayer is good meditations good a frank talk with a dear friend establishing ourselves in some kind of spiritual tradition - recognizing that there have been countless really smart people before us who have asked these same questions and left behind answers for us.Because kindness, it turns out, is hard - it starts out all rainbows and puppy dogs, and expands to include . . . well, everything.One thing in our favor some of this becoming kinder happens naturally, with age. It might be a simple matter of attrition as we get older, we come to see how useless it is to be selfish - how illogical, really. We come to love other people and are thereby counter-instructed in our own centrality. We get our butts kicked by real life, and people come to our defense, and help us, and we learn that were not separate, and dont want to be. We see people near and dear to us dropping away, and are gradually convinced that maybe we too will drop away (someday, a long time from now). fruchtwein people, as they age, become less selfish and more loving. I think this is true. The great Syracuse poet, Hayden Carruth, said, in a poem written near the end of his life, that he was mostly Love, now.And so, a prediction, and my heartfelt wish for you as you get older, your self will diminish and you will grow in love. YOU will gradually be replaced by LOVE. If you have kids, that will be a huge moment in your process of self-diminishment. You really wont care what happens to YOU, as long as they benefit. Thats one reason your parents are so proud and happy today. One of their fondest dreams has come true you have accomplished something difficult and tangible that has enlarged you as a person and will make your life better, from here on in, forever.Congratulations, by the way.When young, were anxious - understandably - to find out if weve got what it takes. Can we succeed? Can we build a viable life for ourselves? But you - in particular you, of this generation - may have noticed a certain cyclical quality to ambition. You do well in high-school, in hopes of getting into a good college, so you can do well in the good college, in the hopes of getting a good job, so you can do well in the good job so you can . . .And this is actually O.K. If were going to become kinder, t hat process has to include taking ourselves seriously - as doers, as accomplishers, as dreamers. We have to do that, to be our best selves.Still, accomplishment is unreliable. Succeeding, whatever that might mean to you, is hard, and the need to do so constantly renews itself (success is like a mountain that keeps growing ahead of you as you hike it), and theres the very real danger that succeeding will take up your whole life, while the big questions go untended.So, quick, end-of-speech advice Since, according to me, your life is going to be a gradual process of becoming kinder and more loving Hurry up. Speed it along. Start right now. Theres a confusion in each of us, a sickness, really selfishness. But theres also a cure. So be a good and proactive and even somewhat desperate patient on your own behalf - seek out the most efficacious anti-selfishness medicines, energetically, for the rest of your life.Do all the other things, the ambitious things - travel, get rich, get famous , innovate, lead, fall in love, make and lose fortunes, swim naked in wild jungle rivers (after first having it tested for monkey poop) but as you do, to the extent that you can, err in the direction of kindness. Do those things that incline you toward the big questions, and avoid the things that would reduce you and make you trivial. That luminous part of you that exists beyond personality - your soul, if you will - is as bright and shining as any that has ever been. Bright as Shakespeares, bright as Gandhis, bright as Mother Teresas. Clear away everything that keeps you separate from this secret luminous place. Believe it exists, come to know it better, nurture it, share its fruits tirelessly.And someday, in 80 years, when youre 100, and Im 134, and were both so kind and loving were nearly unbearable, drop me a line, let me know how your life has been. I hope you will say It has been so wonderful.Congratulations, Class of 2013.I wish you great happiness, all the luck in the wor ld, and a beautiful summer.